Upon reading Jake’s entry about Heisman campaign, I began to ponder about the validity of Johnny Manziel’s claim to the Heisman trophy. I came to the conclusion that the best way to validate his claim would be to go to the source. So here I am, in College Station, and here with Johnny “Football” Manziel.
Elwood: Hey Johnny, thanks for taking the time to do this interview.
Johnny: No problem man, anything for an Eskimo brother.
Elwood: You’re in a tight Heisman race currently. I see here you were arrested over the summer, and spent a night in jail. What can you tell me about that?
Johnny: It sucked not sleeping in my own bed, but I got to meet Ryan Leaf in there so that was cool.
Elwood: Interesting. And what were you arrested for exactly?
Johnny: Well I was fighting some old dude, and they took my fake ID too.
Elwood: I get the fake ID, I was 19 once. What was the fight about though?
Johnny: Dude made fun of my receding hair line!
Elwood: Clearly a reason to crack a dude in the face.
Johnny: That’s what I said!
Elwood: Moving along, what would you say to the people who are critical of you for your less than stellar statistics during the UF and LSU games?
Johnny: We should have won those games, but the line stopped blocking and the receivers just wouldn’t catch the ball. I mean what do you want me to do? I can’t play all 11 positions at the same time.
Elwood: I see. Well what about the people who say you are the 4th best player on your football team, behind Matthews, Joeckel, and Moore?
Johnny: Pffft. Bro those people must be hanging out with the honey badger. Speaking of him, I gotta call that dude.
Elwood: You hang out with Tyrann Mathieu?
Johnny: Hell yeah. All of us in the SEC hang out, we cheer for each other too as long as we aren’t playing each other.
Elwood: That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Johnny: I thought it was weird at first too, but that’s how we do it in the SEC. We are just one big family, after all that’s what football is about!
Elwood: Yeah TEAM camaraderie, not conference…. Anyway, what do you think about Manti Te’o?
Johnny: That’s tough Elwood, to me he is kind of like Tim Tebow Jr. You have to go out and be your own man, you know? To me, he’s just trying too hard to be Tebow.
Elwood: So being a Mormon and going to a Catholic school thousands of miles away isn’t being your own man?
Johnny: Don’t get me wrong dude, he’s a good player. He’s got like 7 interceptions this year, pretty good for a corner ya know?
Elwood: That is pretty good for a cornerback, but he plays Middle Linebacker, making that number eye popping.
Johnny: Yeah I knew it was something like that.
Elwood: So if you win the Heisman, you have a speech prepared? And if so, what’s it going to sound like?
Johnny: Yeah I got one. I’m in a poetry class, so I’ll probably share one of my poems with America.
Elwood: Got a preview for me by chance?
Johnny: Yeah man, here you go. Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man of wealth and taste.
Elwood: That’s the Rolling Stones…..
Johnny: Is it??? Maybe I heard it while playing Call of Duty. I could have sworn I wrote that though, I do so much awesome stuff I forget the details.
Elwood: Well if your football career doesn’t pan out, you’ve got a future in plagiarism.
Johnny: Nah man, I don’t like writing articles and stuff.
Elwood: That’s Journalism…Nevermind. So what are you going to do if Manti wins the Heisman Trophy?
Johnny: You remember what Kanye did to Taylor Swift? Yeah I’m ready.
Elwood: You do realize Manti could power slam you through the floor right?
Johnny: Do you read the papers bro? I run a 3.9 forty. He won’t be able to touch me.
Elwood: Hmm… Alright Johnny, I’ve got what I need. Thanks a lot for the interview, I’ll see you in New York.
Johnny: Cool man.